In my last newsletter, I left you all with a bit of a cliff-hanger. I ended that email with the ominous and dramatic words: "Business had stolen my soul."

Had it really? Can your soul even be stolen? Read on...

But first, a quick and heartfelt thank you to those of you who've reached out to encourage me to keep this up, it's a wonderful feeling.

So there I am, on a walk by myself outside of Bend, Oregon, wandering into the snowy wonderland behind our Airbnb. And eventually up a big hill.

I was crying. Profusely.

They were bitter tears, the kind that stem for inner pain, and that was rare for me.

It might surprise you but most people wouldn't describe me as an emotional guy. In fact, I've been asked whether I feel anything at all by some people.

That day I was feeling it all.

And I was exhausted in just about every way.

Physically because of the insomnia.

Emotionally because I couldn't figure out what was wrong with my heart.

Mentally because I was still under a ton of (self-imposed) pressure at work.

Spiritually because I was relying on myself for everything.

Fast forward 1 month.

Panic attack.

No, not another one.

That's what the first THUMP...THUMP...THUMP had been! A panic attack.

I'd finally received some clarity after multiple doctor visits and conversations with fellow entrepreneurs.

After some adrenal tests, it showed my cortisol levels were through the roof and all over the place.

My body was under huge amounts of stress and I'd developed all sorts of weird symptoms because of it. The heart stuff and insomnia being two of them.

Finally, an answer. Stress, anxiety, elevated cortisol...a powerful concoction that knocked me down.

In hindsight, I feel naive for not thinking it could have been related to stress.

That being said, at the time of my 'heart attack' scare (December 2020), I'd never have guessed it would have been stress related, because I never felt stressed.

By all accounts, 2020 had been an incredibly intense year for me.

Our business almost collapsed because of the pandemic lockdowns. As CEO, I felt the weight of the world, my family, and dozens of employees on my shoulders.

We worked harder than ever to turn it around and 'save' the company. And we'd done it!

It took months of intense work and late nights. Many days I worked from when I woke up until midnight. I stopped working out, gained 20 pounds, and kept hustling.

And I rarely, if ever, felt stressed.

Everyone in the events industry was going through the same thing. It was hard, yes, but it was hard for everyone.

I wouldn't let myself believe that what I was doing was especially challenging or difficult.

I just did what needed to be done and I ignored the signs that now seem so obvious.

I needed to save Snapbar. I needed to lead the team. I needed to be brave. I needed to have answers and make difficult decisions. I needed to ignore the pain and find a way through it. I need to take care of my family. I needed to decide our future. I was responsible for....I...I...I...

This. This was business in the process of 'stealing my soul'.

My time, worth, value, focus and passion all revolved around the idea that I needed to keep the company alive.

My identity and most aspects of my life were being wrapped up in this business turn-around.

The weird part? I felt fine during most of that time.

But you know what they say...'the body keeps the score'.

When, in mid-December of 2020, things had finally settled down a bit and we'd successfully 'saved Snapbar', I decided it was time to breathe a little.

And when I did, well that's when the heart stuff started. The panic attack.

I know now that your body keeps the score even when your mind doesn't. So sure, I didn't feel stressed, but that doesn't mean I wasn't burying it somewhere.

Unbeknownst to me, I was messing with my body's systems.

The lack of sleep, weight gain, undercurrent of intensity, me trying to 'save the company', and a combo of other things (like the global pandemic) were taking a toll that I wouldn't see materialize until later.

That tearful, angry walk in the snow was the first peak I had into a truth: the real problem I was facing was in my 'heart of hearts'...not my physical one.

I could not be the answer to all of the problems I was facing. I was not God.

April of 2021: the healing was underway.

After months of dealing with the issues, I had clarity. Sadly, the symptoms didn't disappear overnight.

Over a couple of months I changed my diet, cut out alcohol, and began exercising again. I prioritized sleep. I went on more walks. My team graciously let me take a 6 week sabbatical. I travelled with my family. Took a personal retreat. Got away with my wife. I read, wrote, and prayed.

Little by little, I began to feel normal again.

Today, almost four years later, I'm happy to report that none of those symptoms have ever surfaced again!

In a future newsletter, I'd like to share the story of what happened in March of 2020 when then pandemic launched me (and the people at Snapbar) into the fight of our lives to keep it going, but that'll have to wait.

We have cocktails to talk about...

On Friday, January 31st, we will be hosting another 'One Night Cocktail Bar'.

If you're interested, please check out that page and mark your calendar. You could also share it with a friend.
​
I will be sending out the official announcement email sometime this week and I expect the tickets (don't worry, they're only $5 and exist to help me limit the number of attendees) to sell quickly.

Cheers,

Sam